If someone had told me four months ago that I would feel grateful about anything to do with my son’s loss, I would have been angry. No one has a right to tell me to be grateful about anything to do with Bobby’s loss other than my husband. I remember regularly wincing since Bobby died at the sight of the importance of gratitude articles circulating social media.
And here I am today experiencing gratitude, but on my terms.
Today I am grateful that we saw our son alive and our family met him; albeit it being in the NICU. Yesterday we spent time in the Coombe with our compassionate neonatologist Pamela where we learnt the extent of Bobby’s organ failure and how my placenta had started to fail.
Today I am grateful that we heard him cry; that he squeezed our hands and tried to open his eyes at the sound of his grandfather’s voice.
Today I am so grateful that my son was not still born; I am so glad he came early and we got to meet him breathing. My heart aches for families whose babies have been still born.
Today I am grateful for what this horrific experience is teaching me and the growth I experience through loss.
Today I am so grateful for my rock; my husband. It’s been a tough five years but I meant what I said to him when Bobby died; I could not imagine going through this with anyone else.
Today I am grateful for the time I am spending with my daughter Lily, bringing her to her first year at school; this is only because Bobby existed.
Today I am grateful for having Lily who only this morning I found sitting with Bobby’s framed picture on her lap; she told me she was happy he had been here.
Today I am grateful for our family and for the on-going love and support they gave us and continue to do so following Bobby’s loss.
Today I am grateful for Bobby’s godmother who never stops thinking about him; and grieves his loss.
Today I am so grateful to my mother, a former NICU nurse, who taught me to always seek second opinions and question the medical profession.
Today I am grateful for Whiskers the cat my sister bought Lily; the cat I once hated who has been a tremendous source of healing for Lily.
Today I am grateful for the invaluable circle of friends we have who have been a tremendous support to us as a family; I feel very blessed.
Today I am grateful for all the new people I have met because of Bobby and the lifelong friendships that have been formed.
Yesterday’s visit back to the Coombe was incredibly difficult; it was another milestone on this awful infant loss journey. We were welcomed back with warm arms and genuine interest about how we are coping. I am grateful that we were seen outside the baby clinic to hear Bobby’s case review from the multi-disciplinary meeting and pathology review; it would have been tremendously difficult to sit around families with arms full whilst ours are empty.
I am grateful to those who read my posts; I know it can very difficult but my objective remains the same; to heal and help others in any small way.
Who knows what the grief monster will throw at me tomorrow, but today I’m grateful.