Four months on and today I can say I am grateful

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If someone had told me four months ago that I would feel grateful about anything to do with my son’s loss, I would have been angry. No one has a right to tell me to be grateful about anything to do with Bobby’s loss other than my husband. I remember regularly wincing since Bobby died at the sight of the importance of gratitude articles circulating social media.

And here I am today experiencing gratitude, but on my terms.

Today I am grateful that we saw our son alive and our family met him; albeit it being in the NICU. Yesterday we spent time in the Coombe with our compassionate neonatologist Pamela where we learnt the extent of Bobby’s organ failure and how my placenta had started to fail.

Today I am grateful that we heard him cry; that he squeezed our hands and tried to open his eyes at the sound of his grandfather’s voice.

Today I am so grateful that my son was not still born; I am so glad he came early and we got to meet him breathing. My heart aches for families whose babies have been still born.

Today I am grateful for what this horrific experience is teaching me and the growth I experience through loss.

Today I am so grateful for my rock; my husband. It’s been a tough five years but I meant what I said to him when Bobby died; I could not imagine going through this with anyone else.

Today I am grateful for the time I am spending with my daughter Lily, bringing her to her first year at school; this is only because Bobby existed.

Today I am grateful for having Lily who only this morning I found sitting with Bobby’s framed picture on her lap; she told me she was happy he had been here.

Today I am grateful for our family and for the on-going love and support they gave us and continue to do so following Bobby’s loss.

Today I am grateful for Bobby’s godmother who never stops thinking about him; and grieves his loss.

Today I am so grateful to my mother, a former NICU nurse, who taught me to always seek second opinions and question the medical profession.

Today I am grateful for Whiskers the cat my sister bought Lily; the cat I once hated who has been a tremendous source of healing for Lily.

Today I am grateful for the invaluable circle of friends we have who have been a tremendous support to us as a family; I feel very blessed.

Today I am grateful for all the new people I have met because of Bobby and the lifelong friendships that have been formed.

Yesterday’s visit back to the Coombe was incredibly difficult; it was another milestone on this awful infant loss journey. We were welcomed back with warm arms and genuine interest about how we are coping. I am grateful that we were seen outside the baby clinic to hear Bobby’s case review from the multi-disciplinary meeting and pathology review; it would have been tremendously difficult to sit around families with arms full whilst ours are empty.

I am grateful to those who read my posts; I know it can very difficult but my objective remains the same; to heal and help others in any small way.

Who knows what the grief monster will throw at me tomorrow, but today I’m grateful.

17 thoughts on “Four months on and today I can say I am grateful

  1. Aine Stapleton

    Wow beautiful words, my friend’s daughter was still born, she would have been two yesterday – it breaks my heart all the heartbreak they’ve been through and I sometimes wonder where they get the strength to carry on. Your words are tremendously well written and yes you do wonder if you will ever be grateful or happy or indeed normal again – my heart goes out to all the families who came home from hospital with empty arms. X X

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    1. Grief is like a passenger, a permanent one. Which is the new normal with some happiness and gratitude. But with other days of why the hell me. Its complex. That is for sure. Thank you for your lovely words and Im so sorry for your friend losing her daughter x

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  2. Maria cahill

    Sincere condolences to you, your family and friends on the loss of Bobby. You are gifted with a pen in your hand. You could have been describing my feelings 4 months after my daughter died but I wouldn’t be able to put it the way you have. Gratitude plays a huge part in healing the scar torn by grief, so does anger & so do tears. I’m glad today was a day of gratitude for you, the other feelings can make for very hard days. Take care, I will say a prayer for Bobby.

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    1. So sorry for the loss of your daughter, I hope the days are a tiny bit easier where you are at now. I totally agree with you that anger and tears make the other days so hard, but all part of the horrible process. Thinking of you and thank you for your encouraging words

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  3. Wow your are an amazing lady with an amazing family. The honesty and genuine way you tell your story will help and console many other families on their journey of grief.

    Kind and loving wishes to you and your family
    Antoinette

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