In the early days of loss, healing seems impossible. The future seems bloody bleak, empty and pretty hopeless. Someone very dear to my heart challenged me to be brave and put Bobby’s story out there to help others; something I so desperately wanted to do but was hesitating. You know you have to do this, you already know she said. You already know. These three words have been thrown at me only a few weeks ago about another big decision; three words that are simply life changing. We all procrastinate; we test all the options. The reality is that generally, if we listen to our hearts, we already know. I knew I had to write about Bobby, I knew his story would help someone. Pressing that publish button to release my blog to the masses was really tough. I judged myself and I feared judgement.
January was tough; the anticipatory anxiety about going back to work was enormous. Although Bobby is not with us, I felt like I was leaving him behind; just as I felt leaving Lily this time four years ago. Loss rips you of your confidence and I felt like a total failure walking back in the door; I failed to save my son. A friend whispered softly that life failed us. It bloody did.
I have turned a little corner and it’s about a lot of things; time, the process, growth and having a routine again. Routine throws distraction at grief and being around people highlights how isolating this path is. A supportive, welcoming work environment has been invaluable; I am very lucky.
Making decisions and taking some control back gives you energy that was previously zapped with overthinking. Grief is about thinking and thinking; over and over again. The whirlwind of thinking has not gone away but it has eased. Then along came the magic that deeply warmed our hearts. The magic that was the footprint Bobby left in January; being connected to a family in Ireland who recently received a CDH diagnosis and fundamentally being able to help. It is heart-breaking that another family faces such incredible uncertainty. Who knew that the awful 3 letters CDH typed in Google would lead this family to our Irish times article and subsequently to my blog?
What a legacy, what a son…..Stars can’t shine without darkness.