This actual day and time last year, 14.42pm, I held my son as he took his last breath. Sometimes it feels so surreal it can feel like it never happened and other times the enormity of it knocks you over. The last year feels like a blur and the build up to his birthday has been torture. It was hard to know what to expect; people told me who have walked this path that it is woeful and I hoped with all my optimism that it would not be. Tomorrow is his actual first birthday and it is desperately sad that he will not be here; desperately sad does not even cut it. It is not just one day; it is weeks of build-up reliving every moment of those weeks. I have not felt strong, I feel shook all over again and there have been terrible days; one when I could not get up. Thank god for the school term and routine for the little fortune cookie. The unexpected flying objects keep appearing and cripple you when you least expect them. The bittersweet news where you are very happy for people and desperately sad for yourself. The pregnancy announcements, the beautiful just born babies, the first birthday cards and balloons, the empty chair and even TV shows. The recent grey’s anatomy storyline of a wife and sister assumed dead and grieved for, returns home after ten years as a hostage. The post traumatic stress displayed by those who mourned her had a desperate effect on me and those unexpected flying objects will keep on coming.
Bobby’s big sister asked me do people not like talking about dead people the other night at bedtime. She told me that Daddy and I do not talk about him a lot. We talk when she talks; like us, that is not enough for her. A wonderful book arrived for her today from ‘The story of books’. I tried not to blubber my way through it for her; a beautiful personalised book that exudes love and hope.
The last few days and the next few are about survival and remembering a very special little boy. A little boy who has taught us all what is important.
A little boy who fought tirelessly to meet us all and gave us seven precious hours.
A little boy whose life we are extending by the choices we now make and the life we will lead.
A little boy whose legacy still has so many paths and journeys to take.
A little boy who has brought new friends into my life I could not imagine not having.
A little boy who has allowed me experience gratitude at a level I never knew existed.
A little boy who will always leave a hole in my heart and a longing that I do not think will ever go.
A little boy who has held Des and I together; strong with our sparkle remaining.
A little boy who still has so much to teach us and we are ready for it.
There are so many words to say but not for now. I will finish by telling you Bobby that:
“You are loved, you are remembered and you are missed”